It Always Wasn't Easy

It took me a while to have my internet up and running. I had to take care of some tiny bits of stuff that I am going to need in my new room. Except for the small fridge and microwave (and yes that big HDTV) provided by my landlord for free, I have to provide for everything else.

In my 36 years of existence, I have never lived alone. This is probably why it is a little harder for me to sort everything out.

I wanted to try something new. I wanted to have some space, some peace and quiet. To live a life as it should be, on your own.

Not that I was depending on somebody else, but living alone makes you more responsible to yourself. If we can be responsible to our own selves, it is much easier to be more responsible to others. We can never help others if we cannot help ourselves. Right now I am literally helping myself.

I always say that I do things simply because I can and wanted to. I just wanted to make it sound cooler than what it actually was. The thing is really, I always had a good reason for doing things. It doesn’t always turned out to be good, but at least at that time I made those decisions, it was always good.

I thought that once I am alone, I only had to worry for myself. I realized that that was partly true. And not quite.

I worry about myself yes, and everything. Now I realized I have taken for granted thousands of small things that each of us needed. The small stuff that we never really thought existed until we needed them.

Since I now have to pay for dry cleaning, I now realized I needed a flat iron. I never knew a sewing kit until now that I needed it. I cannot afford to go to a saloon to have my nails cleaned for fear of being ridiculed as a vain metro sexual as I am. I guess I have to go buy myself a set of nail cleaners or whatever you might call those. I also never realized that I have to own a tool kit other than what I can found on my car kit.

Now that I don’t have one, I can also appreciate a full kitchen. Back then I could practice my culinary skills with the help of more than just the microwave. Now my diet consists of to-go menus and microwavable meals that are full of things that my body actually does not need.

I have to plan my expenses much much better this time. Now I have to buy all sorts of things from toilet paper to hardware stuff. With gas getting more expensive by the day, I would never want to spend an extra mileage to buy a small piece of screw that I had forgotten on my first trip.

But why moved to another state and not just somewhere in Los Angeles close to where my brother, sisters and mom are? I wanted to get away from a place of security. A place where I would know I had nobody to hold on to but my own. Coming from a Filipino family, we always try to stay in one place, even when we are all grown ups. Instead of renting several apartments, we try to settle in a big house and pool our money for mortgages.

But life isn’t always secure. It isn’t always easy. One has to do it on his own. I did it once, and I am gonna do it again.

I guess I am just missing those things that I am actually missing…. everything.